


Funny-Looking, Urban Legend-y

by dabbling_dood



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Cryptid Hunter Keith, Dirty Talk, Discussion of Monster Sex, M/M, Sexual Fantasy, no actual smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-11 05:14:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12928248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dabbling_dood/pseuds/dabbling_dood
Summary: “You’d have all this crazy, kinky cryptid sex while your poor boyfriend stays up all night trying to rescue you—”“You are the worst boyfriend ever!”“— and I’d have to really hone my sexual skills in the meantime because, let’s be honest, that’s the only way I could compete with Mothman’s ribbed cock and monster tongue.”~In which Lance ruins Keith's childhood like a good boyfriend.





	Funny-Looking, Urban Legend-y

**Author's Note:**

> Nobody actually has sex, but Lance has a filthy mouth. Shiro makes a brief appearance at the end.

If someone had told Lance that Keith Kogane shared Pidge’s talent for long lectures about… _whatever_ it was Pidge lectured about, Lance would have pictured Keith spewing techno-babble in oversized glasses.  Then he would have laughed until he cried.  Then again, if someone had told Lance that he would one day fly a robot lion into space, meet a smokin’ hot alien princess, flirt with a few other smokin’ hot alien babes, and _then_ end up in a steady relationship with Keith “The Eighties Want Their Mullet Back” Kogane…

The Altean Castle of Lions was no place for skepticism.  Lance could give Mothman the benefit of the doubt.

“Okay, okay, okay, assuming it _is_ real," Lance said, "what you even do if you met one?”

Keith stopped pacing the lounge and blinked, his mouth still hanging open for the rest of his spiel.  He had paused in the middle of a series of dramatic gestures to shoot Lance a glare for interrupting him.  Now Keith’s hands dropped to his hips, and he narrowed his eyes.

“There’s only one Mothman.  _Some_ people think it’s a species or a group of moth-men, but any decent cryptid hunter knows the sightings would be more widespread if that were the case.”

“You just said there were sightings all over the place.”

Keith shook his head vehemently.  “You’ve gotta take copycat sightings and the power of suggestion into account.  There’s a much smaller cluster of places where the descriptions are consistent, but don’t match too closely—the Mothman Prophesies phenomenon?  Total poster-child for witness pollution.  _And_ the number of reports can’t be too similar to the population of Greater Sandhill Cranes.”  Keith ticked off each point on his fingers.  “There’s only one Mothman in Point Pleasant.”

Lance chuffed and leaned back on the couch, holding up his hands in defeat.  At least Keith’s lectures made sense.  “Got it.  So, if you met _the_ one and only bona-fide Mothman, what would you do?  Take a picture?  Talk to it?”

“I’d love to get a picture of him,” Keith replied in what Lance could swear was a dreamy sigh.  “And if he could _communicate_ …  There aren't any reports of him talking, but if I even got close enough to interact with him…”

Keith dropped onto the couch with a breathy little laugh, still staring off into space.  It was like he'd been talking about a crush.  If Lance wasn't such a kind, well-balanced individual, he might have been jealous.

“How do you know it’s a ‘he’, anyway?” Lance asked.  Well-balanced or not, that had caught his interest.

Keith’s smile faltered.  “Uh, well, technically his—Mothman’s gender hasn't been determined.  I just, you know…”  Keith shrugged.  “Since he’s called Moth _man_ , that’s what most people say.”

“So what if you meet him and he’s actually Moth- _woman_?”

Keith shrugged again, looking lost.  “I—that’s fine.  He’d still be cool.  _She_ , she’d still be cool.  I haven’t really thought about it.”

Lance had to fight down his smile before it evolved into flat-out giggling at his adorable boyfriend.  Adorable and gay.  So very gay.

“Anyway,” Lance sing-songed, scooting himself around to face Keith directly, “how close would you be willing to get?  If you want to interact with him so much.”

Puffing out a laugh, Keith ran a hand through his hair.  “As close as he’d let me.”

“This close?”  Lance leaned way into Keith’s space.

“Sure,” Keith said slowly.

“ _Thi-i-is_ close?”  Lance leaned in until his forehead pressed against Keith’s.

“What exactly do you think Mothman is gonna do, that he’ll have to get _thi-i-is_ close?” Keith asked, pressing back harder.  He pushed Lance off balance.

Lance grabbed the backrest and shrugged innocently.  “I don’t know, Keith.  If I were some sort of funny-looking, urban legend-y thing—”

“You are.”

Lance shoved Keith, who cackled.  “Rude!  If I was Mothman and a cute guy came wandering up to me, totally unwary, puppy eyes a-blazing…”

“You’d flirt with him.”

“I’m talking about _Mothman_ , not me, Keith.  And Mothman would probably fly off with you.”

“Right,” Keith said, smiling drily.

“I’m serious, Keith.  You’d disappear in the middle of the night, never to be seen again.  I’d find a camera phone lying in the street, open it up, and oh, look, Keith got a selfie with Mothman.  Aww, he looks so happy.”  Lance mimed scrolling through the pictures on a cell phone.  “What’s this one?  The camera must have gone off when Keith dropped it.  Yup, there’s Mothman, way up in the sky.  What’s that he’s carrying?  Oh, it’s Keith, dangling by the seat of his pants.  Bye, Keith!  I’ll miss you!”

Keith was laughing, shoulders shaking and head cradled in his hand.  “You’re an idiot.”

“You’re the idiot who’s gonna go missing without a trace.  You’ll be tucked away in some underground moth cave while I put up flyers and gather clues from the locals.”

“Moth cave?” Keith repeated with a raised brow.

“You know, his secret lair.  His sex dungeon.”

“His _sex dungeon?_ ” Keith choked.

“He’s gotta make the most of being _thi-i-is close!_ ”  Lance didn’t lean against Keith so much as latch onto him, and Keith swore as Lance toppled them both onto the couch.  Keith landed on his back with a “whoof”.  While Keith caught his breath, Lance snuggled ferociously.

“You’d like it.  I bet cryptid cocks are ribbed for pleasure,” Lance said, and Keith wheezed a laugh.

“You are not turning my favorite cryptid into a kink!”

“Moths have those long tongues like butterflies, right?  If you Frenched him, it would go from zero to a hundred real quick—”

“Lance, I swear…”  Keith kicked.  Lance wrapped all his limbs around him like a koala.  Although Keith thumped Lance’s shoulder with one hand, the other stayed curled in Lance’s jacket, and Keith’s whole body shook with laughter.

“He probably gives insanely good head.  Maybe his tongue is long enough to eat you out _while_ he sucks your—”

“You’re tainting my childhood, Lance!”

“You’d have all this crazy, kinky cryptid sex while your poor boyfriend stays up all night trying to rescue you—”

“You are the worst boyfriend ever!”

“—and I’d have to really hone my sexual skills in the meantime because, let’s be honest, that’s the only way I could compete with Mothman’s ribbed cock and monster tongue.”

“Lance—”

“I hope his stamina is terrible.  That’s one thing I’d have going for me.”

Keith rolled them off the couch and landed on top of Lance, whose arms and legs sprang open like a bear trap in reverse.  Lance would deny making the sound he did.  While Lance gasped for breath, Keith sat up, hair tousled and eyes wide with something like fury or joy.  Were those supposed to mix?  Whatever.  If anyone could be furious and overjoyed at the same time, it was Keith.

Keith jabbed a finger at Lance’s face with more fury than joy.  “ _You_.”

He opened his mouth to deliver the serious chewing-out that his tone promised, only to snap it shut and let his hand drop, ducking his head.  Snickers shook his body.  Lance beamed.

“What about me, Keithy?” he prompted, tucking his arms behind his head.  Keith’s hair tickled Lance’s cheek as he dropped to his elbows and buried his face in the crook of Lance’s neck.

“I can’t believe you made me want to bang Mothman,” Keith finally said, just as the door to the lounge hissed open.

They scrambled to their feet in time to see Shiro turn around and walk back out.  Lance couldn’t decide what was funnier; that, or Keith’s face turning so red it matched his jacket.

“One day,” Keith said as he tried to smother Lance with a couch cushion, “I’m going to make you dress up like Mothman while we’re having sex, and you’ll regret having such a filthy mouth.”

“Me and my filthy mouth would love to play Mothman for you,” Lance grinned back.  “You love my dirty talk.”

“Who said anything about dirty talk?”

Lance’s brow pinched, and he blinked at Keith past the cushion.  Keith raised his brows imperiously.

“Mothman doesn’t talk.  If you’re going to wear the costume, you’d better play the part.”

“I can’t talk at _all?_ ” Lance asked, his voice reaching undignified pitches.

“Not a word,” Keith smirked.  “Good luck with that.”

Lance slumped on the floor and groaned.  Forget what he said about his boyfriend being adorable.  Keith Kogane was a monster.

**Author's Note:**

> Visit me on Tumblr at https://doodling-dood.tumblr.com/  
> I have a Voltron tag.


End file.
